Quotes That Have Punched Me In The Gut Lately

25 04 2013

“[. . .] memory is time folding back on itself. To remember is to disengage from the present.”
Prague Winter: A Personal Story of Remembrance and War, Madeleine Albright

“…as the music started with a goblin walking quietly over the universe, from end to end. Others followed him. They were not aggressive creatures; it was that that made them so terrible to Helen. They merely observed in passing that there was no such thing as splendour or heroism in the world.”
Howards End, E.M. Forster

“This rehearsal will end, the performance will end, the singers will die, eventually the last score of the music will be destroyed in one way or another; finally the name ‘Mozart’ will vanish, the dust will have won.”
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Philip K. Dick

“It is the basic condition of life, to be required to violate your own identity. At some time, every creature which lives must do so. It is the ultimate shadow, the defeat of creation; this is the curse at work, the curse that feeds on all life.”
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, Philip K. Dick

“Emotions, in my experience, aren’t covered by single words. I don’t believe in ‘sadness,’ ‘joy,’ or ‘regret.’ Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I’d like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, ‘the happiness that attends disaster.’ Or: ‘the disappointment of sleeping with one’s fantasy.’ I’d like to show how ‘intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members’ connects with ‘the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age.’ I’d like to have a word for ‘the sadness inspired by failing restaurants’ as well as for ‘the excitement of getting a room with a minibar.’ I’ve never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I’ve entered my story, I need them more than ever.”
Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides





I Think They Call This The Feels

9 04 2013

Someone I know died.

I saw the news on facebook and I’ve been in complete shock ever since.

But it’s weird, see, because I didn’t know her that well. She was three years older than me. I didn’t really talk to her that often. We weren’t facebook friends. I was aware of her existence and she was aware of mine, but that was it. She was an active member of my church’s sister church, so we were at a lot of the same youth group and church events.

But now she’s dead and it came out of the blue and I wasn’t expecting it and I shouldn’t be upset but for some reason I am. Maybe it was just because it was so sudden. Like, one day you’re not thinking about a person at all, barely even aware of the fact that they exist, and the next day you’re reminded of them by hearing that they don’t exist. It just…I don’t know. It’s weird. That’s weird, right?

It’s like when I was in seventh grade. I was hanging out in my room after church when my dad came downstairs. He knocked on my door.

“You know [name], right?”

“Yeah…?”

“He committed suicide today.”

And then he just turned around and went back to whatever he was doing. I feel like he MUST have watched me for a reaction or something, but that’s what I remember. I wasn’t friends with this kid. Actually, I barely knew him at all. We went to the same church so I’d gone to some youth group things with him. But for the rest of the day, he was all I could think about. That night we watched this compilation of the best School House Rock songs. I had to leave the room because the one about the skeletons made me think about how this he was going to be a skeleton. I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

That’s how I feel right now. I keep picturing her and then I think about how my great grandma died and she was in a coffin and this girl I knew is in a coffin and just…I don’t know. You know?

But it’s weird because like I said, I didn’t know her that well. You probably couldn’t even call us friends in the loosest definition of the world. She was just someone who was there, then we went our separate ways. So I’m not sure why this is affecting me so much.

But it’s just so strange to me because I keep checking my local news websites expecting this person’s death to be front page news. But it’s not. And it’s not going to be. There’s no reason for it to be: there was no shooting or crazy accident or anything like that. She just died. But why, then, does it feel like it should be front page news? I imagine this is how it must feel when someone really important to you dies. And if I’m this upset that it’s not front page news when someone I barely even knew died, what in the world is it going to be like if someone important to me dies?