Dear August, Go Fuck Yourself

6 08 2015

August is the cruellest month, breeding
Dullness out of the muggy days, mixing
Boredom and stagnation, stirring
Nothing in the dead air.

– “T.S. Eliot” (though altered, because he was wrong, April is perfectly lovely)

Dear August,

Go fuck yourself. I am over you and your bullshit, and we’ve only just begun our annual grappling match from hell.

I know it’s not your fault that you come at the end of summer. As a kid I was always going stir-crazy by the time you rolled around. June was great – school was out and it was my birthday and summer was just beginning. July was awesome. The dog days of summer and the Fourth of July and homemade ice cream and pool parties and bonfires and chasing lightning bugs and staying up too late. But you. Often too muggy to go outside in the day. Sleeping in has lost its luster and day after day of doing nothing has gotten old. The heat never seems to end and summer has become interminably long.

August, you’ve always bummed me out. I hate heat, especially when it’s muggy. And muggy heat is what you to best. It’s not just boiling; the air is so thick it could drown you. There’s no breeze and nothing moves. All you can do is sit. And wait.

I should never make decisions this time of year. Stupid, stagnant August makes me feel like I’m stagnating. Nothing is moving, I’m not moving, nothing is changing, we aren’t making progress. There’s always been the promise that newness – new classes, new teachers, new friends, new TV shows, new jobs, new weather – is around the corner. But for 31 horrible days we’re trapped. Nothing is happening. Everything is the same. We’re stuck.

It’s easy, during August, to make snap decisions. You’re scared of staying still. Things seem awful, and rather than pushing through or waiting it out, you just want to do something to get out of there. If you’re not careful, you’ll make decisions you regret once September rolls around and you can think clearly again. Once the heavy air becomes crisp and breathable again, things don’t seem so bad. You realize you were making progress and you suddenly see ways to continue moving forward. But if you acted during August, it’s too late. You might have made a mistake.

So, my “dear” August, go fuck yourself. I’m through with you and your mind games. I’ll endure, because I have to. I’ll try to avoid making big decisions until September cools me off a bit. But I’ll leave you with this letter. Fuck you, August. I can’t wait until you’re over.


Tough Love To My Underclassman Self

18 05 2012

Because I did some stupid things and it would have been nice to have someone bitch at me about them. Except that I was really lame back then and would have just been really upset at someone talking to me this way.
Just because a guy shows interest in you doesn’t mean you’re obligated to hang out with him. Especially not when he’s a fucking creep. Seriously. What the hell are you doing? Get away from there, you fucking moron.

Don’t drink all that whiskey. What the fuck is wrong with you? You’ve got nothing to prove. Also, have you even had alcohol before? Yeah, that one time. Why the hell do you think you can handle 4 shots of whiskey and 3 shots of vodka? My god, you’re stupid. Enjoy puking all over yourself and laying in the middle of a field.

Hey, genius, just because you can stay up until 4:30 every morning doesn’t mean you should. You have 8:00 class. What the hell? Also, you’re a freshman. How do you have so much homework that you can’t possibly get it done without pulling several all-nighters a week? You don’t even have that many friends yet, so it’s not like you’re up late hanging out with people. What are you doing with your time that you need to be up super late working on homework? Pulling all-nighters does not make you a hardcore student. It makes you a half-asleep moron who does subpar work and can barely function in class. Go the fuck to bed. Save the all-nighters for senior year, when you have like 8 huge papers due within 10 days of each other.

Answer that girl’s post-its! Sure, you’re living in a tiny closet-room and the last time people “reached out” to you, you got kicked out of school, your room, and your dorm and were forced to move to a whole new building where you don’t know anybody, but what are the odds of that happening again? She probably isn’t out to fake-parent you and then turn you in to Student Life. In fact, I know she’s not. She’s actually a pretty cool person. She’s an English major and she likes coffee. Also, she’s your twin. Answer her goddamn post-its!

No one gives a shit about your vague/angsty/song lyric facebook statuses. Stop posting them. They aren’t getting you any attention and they aren’t actually saying anything. You’re making a fool out of yourself. You’re so much better than this. What the fuck are you doing?


DON’T drop that awesome-yet-intimidating 300-level Slind class to take African Diaspora. You don’t want to write a 10-page research paper? Man up, you weenie! It’s only 10 pages. This kind of thing is gonna be routine soon. SERIOUSLY. Dropping a potentially awesome class because you “don’t wanna write a research paper?” What the hell is the matter with you? And choosing AFRICAN DIASPORA? WORST DECISION EVER. Enjoy routinely skipping the most boring class you will ever, ever, EVER take.

STOP being so stressed out all the time. You’re being ridiculous. Everyone likes you fine and no one is taking advantage of you. You can stop being all angsty and hoping it’ll get you attention because IT WON’T. Know what will? Being a good friend, talking to people, enjoying yourself, and ACTUALLY HAVING FUN instead of “being miserable” so that people will take pity on you. Just because your “best friend” needs to always have some sort of problem to get attention doesn’t mean you do. People are going to like you a hell of a lot better if you just enjoy yourself and are actually happy. STOP BEING A FUCKING DEBBIE DOWNER.

DO YOUR GODDAMN FINAL. I know you hate the class, I know you think you’re smarter than everyone else in the class but guess what? You’re NOT. You are not above actually doing the work. I know you hate the class and you think you’re never going to use it because who the hell minors in museum studies anyways, but YOU’LL REGRET IT. You’ll wind up wanting to work in a museum and wonder why you dropped the minor. Well, that’s a whole other thing, but WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU NOT FINISH THE FINAL? That’s just shooting yourself in the foot, you dumbass. Don’t you care about grades? They’re sort of important. If something as simple as spending a day finishing an essay can get you a better grade, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NEGLECT TO DO IT? You are stupid.


Why the fuck do you keep caring what these boring, lame people think? Have you noticed that they’re losers? Have you noticed that they kind of tend to drag you down and make you sort of miserable a lot of the time? Maybe you should stop hanging out with them. Have you noticed that there are these two kind of awesome people who you love being around that actually like you? Forget about these other losers and get some real friends. Stop not going on exciting adventures and walks with people who could become your new group of friends, just because these other people might do something with you. These other people, the ones who keep inviting you to do things? THEY’RE ACTUALLY COOL. DO THINGS WITH THEM. They’re more fun than these other people anyway.