“The Children of the Dirt” by Simon Rich

20 08 2015

I first heard the following story on NPR’s awesome podcast¬†Invisibilia.

“The Children of the Dirt” by Simon Rich

According to Aristodemus, there were originally 3 sexes. The children of the moon, who were half male and half female. The children of the sun, who were fully male, and the children of the earth, who were fully female. Everyone had four arms, four legs, and two heads, and spent their days in blissful contentment.

Zeus became jealous of the humans’ joy, so he decided to split them all in two. Aristodemus called this punishment “The Origin of Love”, because ever since the children of the earth, moon, and sun have been searching the globe in a desperate bid to find their other halves.

Aristodemus’ story though isn’t complete, because there was also a fourth sex, the children of the dirt. Unlike the other three sexes, the children of the dirt consisted of just one half. Some were male and some were female, and each had just two arms, two legs, and one head. The children of the dirt found the children of the earth, moon, and sun to be completely insufferable. Whenever they saw a two-headed creature walking by, talking to itself in baby talk voices, it made them want to vomit. They hated going to parties. When there was no way to get out of one they simply sat in the corner, too bitter and depressed to talk to anyone. The children of the dirt were so miserable that they invented wine and art to dull their pain. It helped a little, but not really. When Zeus went on his rampage, he decided to leave the children of the dirt alone. “They’re already fucked” he explained.

Happy gay couples descend from the children of the sun. Happy lesbian couples descend from the children of the earth. And happy straight couples descend from the children of the moon. But the vast majority of humans are descendants of children of the dirt, and no matter how long they search the earth they’ll never find what they’re looking for. Because there’s nobody for them, not anybody in the world.

It’s August. It’s not hot, but it’s still August. I feel stuck. I feel restless. It’s a Thursday night and I’m facing a Friday that won’t be very TGIF because it just means a whole weekend with no one to see and nowhere to go. I’m alone tonight, just like all every night. But I remembered this story and smiled, because I’m a child of the dirt. and, apparently, so are lots of other people.

Just ten days until September.


iTunes Songs and Life

30 08 2012

I haven’t reset my iTunes play count in ages. Most of the songs I really like/still like even if I don’t listen to them so much anymore. Others are embarrassing. So here are the top 25 songs I’ve listened to, in ascending order (that’s the one where it goes from bottom to top, right?):

25. The Parting Glass – The Wailin’ Jennys

I don’t know why I’ve listened to this song so often. It must just be because those harmonies are AMAZING. Also, I like traditional Irish songs. But mostly it’s because of the harmonies.

24. Candles – Hey Monday

This is embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as the video. I’d use the actual real music video, but I’m scared of copyright ninjas coming to get me. Anyway. I have no excuses for this song. I wasn’t an angsty teenager. I wasn’t even going through a breakup. Well, okay, there was a friend-breakup that I may have taken much harder than I should have. This is still embarrassingly on my top 25 most played. I’m trying hard to make it not be anymore.

23. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) – The Proclaimers

Okay. So obviously the song doesn’t really start with the Tardis noise. But this video is one of the reasons I love this song. ¬†Also, I love it because of How I Met Your Mother. It makes me want to drive around with my friends and sing it. Also also, my Twins and I sing/quote this at each other a lot so it makes me happy.

22. Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da – The Beatles

A line from this song is the tagline for my blog. I love how this song is all about how life goes on, brah. People change, things happen, you have kids and life goes on. It’s so happy and cyclical and Paul messes up and says that Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face. This song gets stuck in my head like NO OTHER.

21. I’m Looking Through You – The Beatles

I love The Beatles. Lots of Beatles songs are on here. This is a good one to listen to when you suddenly realize that your relationships with certain people are changing because they’re changing. It’s another friend-breakup song. (See, I’ve never had a real breakup, so I used all my breakup angst on friend troubles…I’m just that awesome)

20. Here, There, and Everywhere – The Beatles

It’s a pretty great love song, I guess. I think it’s got a sadness to it, too. There’s something melancholy and wistful about it. God, guys, The Beatles are just SO GOOD.

19. Ridin’ In My Car – She & Him

I have a HUGE girl-crush on Zooey Deschanel. She’s just SO quirky and adorable with the eyes and the hair and the face and the awkward! askdfSDffffff! Naturally, I like her band. For some reason this is the song I like the most.

18. Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand – The Beatles (or DIE Beatles, auf Deutsch?)

The Beatles got started on the Reeperbahn in Hamburg. As thanks to the German fans who were there at the beginning, they recorded two songs in German: this one and Sie Liebt Dich (bet you don’t need me to translate that for you). I like to freak out people who are expecting the song to be in English. Also, I listen to it more than the English version, so now it freaks me out when I hear I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

17. Vienna – Billy Joel

Billy Joel is another goddamn genius. This song is PERFECT for college seniors freaking out about jobs, applying for jobs, not getting jobs, and feeling like life is starting to leave them behind. I listened to this A LOT last semester when I couldn’t sleep because The Future was scary. It made me feel better.

16. Let It Be – The Beatles

Look, it’s the music video but with Playmobil guys!
Don’t let that cheapen how much I love Let this song though. This is my EVERYTHING song. I can’t listen to it enough. It is my go-to song when I’m sad, happy, nostalgic, upset, or just want to listen to something REALLY good. Paul McCartney is songwriting genius.

15. Wine Red – The Hush Sound

The Hush Sound used to be my favorite band ever. They were different from all the Top 40 crap I had to listen to in high school and I really liked the imagery in their songs. The lyrics of their songs told me stories, made me think, and excited my imagination. Wine Red especially affected me. It even inspired me to write a (sort of horrible) story that involved Norse and Greek mythology and (obviously) a garden.

14. King of Anything – Sara Bareilles

I LOVE Sara Bareilles. She’s always like, “Fuck you, I’m going to do it how I want. Don’t try to manipulate my career, jackass.” Back when I was an Oppressed English Major and my trips home always involved conversations with my parents that were like, “But honey, what are you going to do for a JOB? You CAN’T major in English. At least pick something else that’s practical. You’re going to be a really good secretary, I bet.” This song vocalized everything I wanted to scream at them. And it helped me realize that I COULD still major in English, because it’s what I wanted.

13. The Trapeze Swinger – Iron and Wine

I have NO idea. I think I liked the images and the story. I also liked how it made me feel sad. I really like listening to songs that make me sad. However, the fact that a nine-and-a-half minute song is so high up on my list kind of makes me shake my head at myself. I must have been a JOY back then. Don’t worry, I’m not nearly as gloomy these days.

12. Magnolia – The Hush Sound

GOD, I still like this song. It’s just so…so…SO. Her voice is so powerful and the lyrics…what is she talking about? What happened to whoever she’s singing to? I STILL WANT TO KNOW.
Some days when I’m really sad, it reminds me of my friend who died of cancer when she was nine. Geez, I like sad songs.

11. Without You – RENT soundtrack

Again with the sad songs. This still makes me cry. Which, based on this list, is what I go for when I listen to music.

And, this got long. So I’ll post the top ten in a day or two.